A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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