i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
