I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
