I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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