My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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