Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My vagina is officially offended.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
