I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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