there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
