It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
