I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
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