Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
