I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
