Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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