Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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