My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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