It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
