If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
