the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
