A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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