is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
