Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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