my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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