Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
