FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
