I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
there is glitter all over my balls
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
