As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
