dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
