Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
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