hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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