i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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