the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
