dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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