he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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