im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
