R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
