I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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