You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
