Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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