well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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