I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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