You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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