i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
