Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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