just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
