Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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