It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
