About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
