Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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