If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
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