that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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