The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
