i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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