my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
