im having a threesome with these popsicles
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
