Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
