I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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