my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
