If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
