He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
