Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
