I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
