I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
