i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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